Preparing for that Magical Relationship
Tantra is about the duality of life and as such it uses sex both as a symbol and a practice. Also because that duality represents developing an understanding of how apparently conflicting opposites are complimentary it also talks about the presence and absence of sex as being part of each other. In the absence of sex or a romantic partner you have an opportunity for personal development, for understanding how to relate to your self, manage your desires and fears, your self-esteem, and get clear about who you are and what you really want. When you’re in relationship your feelings crystallise, your ideals are tested by the sharing of your vulnerabilities, including desires and fears, strengths and weaknesses, and explore the dynamics of shared power, mutual creation of destiny.
sacred sex is when your maturity, knowledge and experience come together into a profoundly shared experience that goes beyond the ordinary into the ecstatic mystical
Then there is sacred sex. This is when your maturity, knowledge and experience come together into a profoundly shared experience that goes beyond the ordinary into the ecstatic mystical. There are a lot of legends about what people experience when putting the techniques of Tantra into practice – hours of orgasm without ejaculation for men, free-flowing orgasm for women. They come out of the Eastern idea that we are capable of reaching much deeper into ourselves to places that in the West are considered reflexes which are natural and untouchable. Insight offers us a deep understanding of our emotions and body so that orgasm becomes an energy which integrates desires, emotions and physical reactions so that fear can be overcome in order to share deep intimacy.
The first steps towards these experiences are solo practices though they can be done together as a couple. You build awareness and control of the muscles and attitudes that are involved in sex and fulfilling any desire. The muscles are known as the pelvic floor muscles. For women these muscles are those inside the vagina. For men these are the more external muscles below the scrotum and above the anus that are involved in ejaculation. There are deeper muscles and experiences of the body for both sexes that are harder to talk about here. For both sexes exercising these of muscles are important for health helping to slow the aging process and enhancing the physical experience of sex. For women they are usually taught when they get pregnant but they should be taught to every girl by her grandmother, aunt or mother after her first period as part of personal self maintenance because of their long term affects on giving birth, on period pain (according to Tantra) and for what they do in helping women enjoy themselves when they final get to have sex. Their affect on enhancing their partner’s experience is an added bonus for both of you.
But as everyone learns sooner or later the physical experience of sex follows the emotional and mental. Women naturally know this. They know that there are different qualities of sex that are not only about the physical actions but about the emotional textures. Our society’s attitudes mean that usually only older more experienced men know it is not just true for women but for themselves. Both women and men in our society don’t realise, no better don’t talk, about the fact that orgasm isn’t just orgasm for men. It has different qualities. It can be a tension relieving mechanical event that takes place somewhere in the lower part of the body or an all encompassing multi-peaked wave that may or may not include ejaculation that leaves you thoroughly exhausted.
Beyond these physical aspects to get to the sacred ecstasies of Tantra we need to gain insight into the emotional sources of desire, fear, grief and our attitudes to success (however you define it) sex, love and solitude. These are the roots of both intimacy and its blockages. For some people this may mean willingly spending some time alone because their self-esteem is pathologically attached to other people’s attitudes expressed as sex. For others it maybe some therapy that helps them get-over, around, manage anxieties that kick in when getting close to others or even when faced with a stranger.
Tantra believes that your senses are central to your inner life. How you talk to yourself internally. Not just what you say but the attitudes expressed in that inner dialogue including what senses predominate – visual, talking, and feeling. Details like the tones of voice you use to others and yourself when imagining conversations, the angle of view you look at things with, how big or small you feel. What are the attitudes expressed in your daydreams and fantasies? Daydreams and fantasies (especially those most intimate versions that play a part in masturbation) are rehearsals for the real deal whether we are talking about sex or anything else that puts you on the line like sport and work – anything that you attach your self esteem to. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) are both Western techniques that understand these ancient truths of Tantra.
Like the martial arts and other traditions, Tantra recognises the importance of integrating mind and body for achieving a full life. Its aim is to be a connoisseur of life. It is the way of the Lovers – lovers of life in all its joys and frustrations. This means being able to appreciate the differences between people, reading their emotionality as well as exploring their ideas, personalities and attitudes but most especially being able to be sensuously intimate in ways that lead to maturity in all its meanings, beyond the rather silly attitude that it’s just about getting old.
Author of “The Way of the Lovers” which will be published later this Year or early next.